On her 18th ..

My dearest Arifah,

I can’t believe you have been with us for 18 years; it seems just like yesterday. The day you were born, I remember being so overwhelmed with joy I had to sit on the floor at the hospital, I could not trust my feet to carry me any further.

For 18 years, you have brought your mother and I far more joy that I can quantify, you are the being I prayed for — kind, considerate, empathetic, and full of life. You have also grown up to be your own person, carving your unique path in life.

Today, you are 18 years of age, and from most indication, you are fully capable of making adult decisions. But you are and will always be my little girl, and I will always worry about you. And so you must still carry us along, let us be your touch bearer, your family.

As a father, your coming of age creates mixed feelings. I am joyful that you are old enough to drive and I look forward to teaching you. I worry I may not be able to influence your decisions as much, but I trust you will still check with us when you make important calls.

As I am unable to be with you today, I leave you with this message, important lessons I have picked up in life. Some are obvious, others refreshing. But they are the most important gifts I have.

1. Be good. Be as good as you can be to everyone you meet. And that means be kind, be generous, be forgiving. Treat people like they are all made by God because they are, even those that don’t behave so well. The worst human being is still human, still deserving of kindness.
2. Be yourself, love yourself: Treat yourself kindly and respectfully, you are more than your setbacks, you are not your shortcomings. Remember this, nobody can treat you better than you treat yourself. Believe in yourself — you can accomplish so much if you avoid self-doubt.
3. Be an optimist, nothing in life is as bad is it seems. With the passage of time, you will realise that crises are overhyped and our progress under-celebrated. Think about the future and know that all difficulties are temporary.
4. Be self-led. Decide what is important to you and commit fully. You will have detractors, turn their noise to energy, never ever waver on account of naysayers. And accept that mistakes will be made but they are rarely ever fatal.
5. Be impactful. The most satisfying thing you can ever do is to make the world better for someone in small or big ways. Everyone has the power to leave the room better than they met it. Adjust the picture frame or dust the tabletop or help a child across the road.
6. Be healthy. Life is a journey, and your health is the vehicle you travel in. Look after yourself like you matter because you do. The most important thing standing between you and your ambition is your health. Once healthy, your dreams are almost always possible.
7. Be disciplined. Do things in moderation, don’t be prone to excess. There is always something else out there worth exploring so save something for tomorrow, always have some fuel left in your tank.
8. Be grateful, for gratitude breeds joy. Look inward. The grass is always greener elsewhere, but it is almost always not real. Don’t be fooled by the Instagram life, everyone feels pain, many just conceal it and project a false life. Real life is messy but fun, be okay with that.
9. Be spiritual. There’s so much we know about the world, yet we know so little beyond what we observe. Deep within us, there’s a greater force, something we can never fully understand. Live in awe of it, humanity is still one big family, respect that, don’t judge.
10. Be curious. Knowledge is the child of curiosity, and the key to freedom. The more you know, the more you can earn. The more you know, the less you need. And between these two folks, you are free to explore a life of meaning.
11. Be a sojourner. There is no better way to understand the world we live in than to travel, to meet people, to walk their streets and eat their meals and make a respectful effort at speaking their tongues. And that is just the village next door, imagine what the universe holds.
12. Be a friend. Be the friend that everyone wants in their life, the one that made them better, the one that they can always count on. Don’t look for great friends, be one. But when you find great friendship, hold on to it gently but firmly.
13. Be on time. For small things or big things, be there when you said you will. It is character defining to defy stereotypes, to set your own high standards and to live by them. Time is a most valuable resource, treat it better than gold.
14. Be dependable. When you say something, mean it. It doesn’t matter if you are at work or with friends or family, there is nothing more endearing than someone who can be trusted to do exactly what they commit to do.
15. Be real. There is nothing you can do to please everyone or even to please anyone every day. What you can do is be yourself, and those who love the authentic you will find you. You are good enough.
16. Be patient. Not every problem requires an action, some require time. Paraphrasing Auguste Rodin, Patience is truly a form of action, and an important one too. Sometimes, we gain more from observing than reacting.
17. Be humble, be proud. Be humble about your achievements but be very proud of your heritage. By your character, you represent the best of humanity, don’t ever let anyone define you by your colour or your creed.
18. Be light. Above all else, avoid the urge to accumulate things, to possess things you don’t need, to retains properties out of fear. Stay nimble, stay sure footed, be agile in body and mind. Learn to let go of things, they can become your prison.

I hope that you find these thoughts useful, I hope that when you turn 40 and you remember this day, you will fondly recall these guard rails. These are not the wisest words you will hear but they come from the place of the deepest love, the kind that only a father can give.

Happy birthday Arifah,

Abubakar Suleiman

Father

4th May, 2022